One of the most horrific aspects of Canadian teenager Amanda Todd's suicide last week, was the fact that those who had tormented her in life followed her after her death ... and seemed to have brought along several friends. To summarize the story, Todd was in an unfortunate (and by unfortunate, I mean 'criminal') situation three years back where she was pressured by a grown man online to flash her webcam for him. For what turned out to be the rest of her life, this man, in response to future rebuffed come-ons, followed her movements from school to school, being sure new friends, teachers, etc. received the image of the topless tween. Given the fact that when young girls are victimized in such a way, of course it must be there fault, the inevitable blaming of the victim ensued, and Todd ended her life last Wednesday after three years of what I can only imagine was a living hell.
Now I was bullied as a kid too - and yes, come gr. 6/7/8, some of that bullying took on a decidedly ... well ... lewd nature at times (in terms of comments; at no point was the bullying I experienced physical, either in terms of violent and/or sexual behaviour). And I was as squeaky-clean as they came (full disclosure: I didn't know what the word 'virgin' meant until I was 11 years old). So I can only imagine how that kind of bullying, coupled with the feeling of actually 'having something on this kid', must have played out ... and really, I have no majorly new insights to offer on this topic that haven't already been well-covered in
THIS BLOG at the Huffington Post, which was actually my inspiration to write this in the first place. Really, she puts it so much better than I can and you can consider this whole entry one big 'DITTO' on that blog. However, I wanted to add one further observation:
I am probably, to a fault, not one to scream feminism (some would say I do, and I DO stand up for my feminist beliefs in either truly egregious or public scenarios, but in day-to-day reality the truth is I've been accused far too much of being humourless, and have just become too tired, non-drama-seeking and (un?)wise to pick 'Big Issue' fights over stray comments in a casual conversation), but honestly ... 'well this wouldn't have happened if she weren't a slut,' as one (many) commented on a memorial site? Really?
Imagine for a minute if this had been a male who was victimized. In fact, we have a very apt comparison in incredibly recent times, with Jerry Sandusky's sexual assaults on at least ten boys, and his attempts thereafter to discredit them as untrustworthy, troubled boys turning on the one person who loved and supported them. I am going to suggest some of those relationships were, in appearance, 'consensual' (I don't believe sexual relationships between a grown adult and children can actually BE consensual, so I will trust my readers know what I mean here), involved kids covering up their adult 'friend's' secrets, etc. etc. etc. - in other words, things that could be seen, by victim blamers, as 'bad judgement'. Yet, those victims, and rightfully so, continue to have public support and be seen as courageous for coming forward.
So what is so different about Amanda Todd? She was roughly in the same age range as Sandusky's victims, and had just as much agency (or lack thereof), in these kinds of dealings. And while they are held up as courageous and heroic young men for shining light on the sick culture of Jerry Sandusky and his defenders, this young woman is blamed for her own torture and demise.
There are so many 'issues' at play in this story ... teen suicide and depression ... bullying ... technology in bullying ... the role of adults in protecting children from these situations ... but I want to add another: feminism. And having been a victim of bullying that in many ways came almost directly from my gender (my weight, how I dressed, lewd comments that would never have been directed at boys), and having seen through this and so many other issues (abortion and contraception issues, rape denial, etc.) over the last few years that while we women have come so far in the past years and decades, the fight is far from over and the peace far from secure ... I will no longer be shamed or cowed away from the fact that I am a feminist. I am not angry and raging, I am not anti-man, I enjoy girly things and can laugh even at inappropriate humour from time to time ... but I will no longer contribute by my silence to a culture that treats young women who were literally tormented to death - and beyond - like this.
